Safer, Smarter Families Family Safety Toolkit

Letter to Parents

Think, Feel, Act

Help your child listen to their Guiding Voice as they use TFA – Think, Feel, Act – in any confusing or unsafe situation.

• Introduce your child to the concept of a “Guiding Voice”, the voice inside you that tells you when you’re feeling excited, confused, nervous, or uncomfortable, and might be in an unsafe situation or need help.
• Encourage your child to pay attention to what his or her Guiding Voice says in any situation.
• Discuss the safety process of TFA – Think, Feel Act. First, your child should Think about the situation and figure out what is happening, then decide how the situation makes them Feel — and what Action they should take to stay safe.
• TFA encourages your child to take steps to tell someone when a situation makes them feel confused, scared, uncomfortable, or icky.

Asking your child what they think about possible situations helps them envision what they might do if a situation like that ever happened to them. By asking your child what they think and feel, you are letting them know that they can talk with you about anything and that you’re there to help them figure out what to do. By regularly engaging your child in such conversations, your child is more likely to come to you with real-life situations that occur, ask more questions, and gain your input.

• In various situations that come up, ask your child what they are thinking and feeling – whether at the grocery store, home, or during extracurricular activities. Ask them, based upon their feelings, how they should act to stay safe.
• Whenever your child asks, “Mom/dad/grandma/etc., what about….” ask them what they think and feel about the situation first, before you give them your answer.
• Check in with your child and ask them if their guiding Voice has told them anything lately, and if they listened to it.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Talk with your child about the difference between Safe and Unsafe Secrets. A Safe Secret is one that will eventually be told and will make everyone smile – like a surprise party or that someone is expecting a baby. An Unsafe Secret is one that makes you feel confused, threatened, unsafe, or icky, and is one that you are told not to tell.

• Help your child understand that it is not ever safe to keep an Unsafe Secret, no matter who asks or tells them to keep the secret.
• Touching secrets are never safe secrets to keep.
• Keep the lines of communication open with your child.
• Make sure your child knows that it’s okay to come to you with any information, and that you will not get upset.
• Make sure your child knows that they should never keep a secret from you.
• Play the “what if” game and help your child practice using Think, Feel, and Act (another tool in this series) to process how the secret makes them feel and whether it’s safe or not. If the secret makes your child feel confused, threatened, unsafe, or icky, they must tell a Trusted Adult.

If your child discloses an Unsafe Secret to you, believe what they are saying and validate their feelings.

Remember that children who feel like they can talk to their parents or caregivers about anything are much less susceptible to being victimized by a sexual predator.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

P.L.A.N.ning for Safety

It’s important for your child to always have a P.L.A.N. with their Trusted Adults — asking Permission to go to a specific Location, explaining the Activity they’ll be doing, and providing the Names and phone Numbers for Trusted Adults who will be watching them.

To practice, help your child complete a P.L.A.N. for an everyday situation such as going to the movies with a friend, a sleepover, or going to the mall.

• Reinforce the importance of each step of the P.L.A.N.
• Stress why each step helps to keep them safe.
• Stress that no step should ever be skipped.

Help your child understand that sometimes things happen and they’ll need to change their P.L.A.N. In these situations, your child must repeat the process of P.L.A.N. – beginning with getting Permission. 

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Safety NETwork

Discuss the importance of identifying Trusted Adults to go to in any unsafe or confusing situation that leaves your child feeling confused, scared, hurt, uncomfortable, or not quite right. Trusted Adults are grown-ups who are responsible, can be trusted to help your child make safe decisions, and will protect your child in any safety situation. Together, the Trusted Adults your child feels most comfortable turning to and most safe with make up their Safety NETwork.

Discuss with your child the importance of identifying Trusted Adults in different parts of their lives who they can go to in any unsafe or confusing situation – from a fight with a friend to an unsafe secret, confusing message online, or a touch that doesn’t feel quite right. Then, brainstorm with your child who could be their Trusted Adults – perhaps:

• Brainstorm with your child who could be their Trusted Adults. Identify these adults based upon the adults they could talk to about situations that leave them scared, confused, uncomfortable, or icky.
  • Mom
  • Dad
  • Teacher
  • Coach
  • Principal
  • School Counselor
  • Grandma
  • Grandpa
  • Uncle
  • Aunt

  It is important that at least one of your child’s Trusted Adults be outside the family. Each of them should be old enough to drive a car so that they are able to seek help for your child if necessary. Ask your child to brainstorm situations when they may need to go to a Trusted Adult for help.

  Using the worksheets below, work with your child to complete their Safety NETwork. As you do this with your child, make sure the names that your child chooses to include are also people with whom you feel that your child is safe.

  Download the letter to the Trusted Adults in your child’s Safety NETwork below and send letters to each of the adults. Make sure that these adults know that your child looks to them for support and help. As a team, you can better protect your child.

  Place your child’s Safety NETwork in a prominent place in your house, like the family refrigerator, and remind your child that they can always go to the adults in their Safety NETwork to talk about anything that leaves them feeling confused or unsafe.

  Make sure to review your child’s Safety NETwork with them and help update it periodically to make sure it’s current. If your child has removed someone from their Safety NETwork, ask them why – and make sure an unsafe situation has not occurred.

  Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Respecting Body Boundaries

Help your child understand the concept of personal space – the space around your body that belongs to you. Nobody should be going into your personal space without your permission, because your body belongs to you. Our body boundaries are rules we have for touches that feel safe or unsafe for our own bodies.

• Help your child understand that the private parts of our bodies are the parts covered by our bathing suits; your mouth is also a private part. 
• Teach your child the proper anatomical names for their private parts. Unsafe adults often use nicknames to avoid detection of abuse.
• Stress to your child that no one should touch, look at, or take pictures of their private parts except when they are in pain or feel that something may be wrong, or when you are with them at the doctor. No one should put things in your child’s mouth unless they are at the dentist’s office with a Trusted Adult.
• Explain the difference between a Safe Touch and an Unsafe Touch to your child. Safe Touches make us feel happy, loved, and comfortable. Unsafe Touches make us feel hurt, confused, icky, or not quite right. 
• Any touch you’re told to keep secret is an Unsafe Touch. We never keep touching secrets. Encourage your child to tell you or another Trusted Adult in their Safety NETwork about any touch that makes them feel unsafe and to keep telling until they get the 2 H’s: heard and helped.

IMPORTANT TIP: Children should not be forced to kiss or hug family members if they don’t feel like it, even though these are harmless touches. Forcing a child to kiss and hug people when they don’t want to sends a subtle and dangerous message that they are not in control of their own bodies and that adults hold all the power. Make sure your child knows that they are in charge of the touches they receive – and brainstorm alternatives, like handshakes or fist bumps, for times your child may not want to receive other forms of affection. 

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below. 

Identity

Identity is defined as everything that makes your child unique. Their feelings, thoughts, opinions, ideas, beliefs, their likes, dislikes, and even their strengths and weaknesses are all part of their identity and make your child who they are. Your child has a right to their identity-to be who they are. At times your child will be faced with situations where they will want to compromise their identity in order to fit into a particular group. Talk with your child about how it can be a challenge for them because they want to fit into different groups, such as their class at school, their family, or their team. But it is important for your child to understand that if they sacrifice who they really are, what they really enjoy, or the things they really like just to fit in, they lose what makes them unique: their identity.

List all of the talents, interests, likes, dislikes, strengths, and even the weaknesses that make up your child’s identity – to be. Share your list with your child. This is a great conversation starter and gives you the opportunity to validate all the characteristics that make your child unique and special. It also gives your child the opportunity to share things about themselves that you might not know.

Rights & Responsibilities

Help your child understand that everyone has rights – including the right to be safe, to use their voice, to be themselves, to be respected, and have their body boundaries respected. With these rights also come some responsibilities. 

Your child has the right to be safe – to feel comfortable, happy, and safe in their surroundings.

• Your child has the responsibility to stay out of unsafe situations when possible and report any situation that makes them feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
• Your child has the responsibility to follow the rules so that others are safe.

Your child has the right to their voice – to be heard and share their opinions, needs, fears, and hopes.

• Your child has the responsibility to use their voice to tell someone in their Safety NETwork if they are in an unsafe situation, and to keep telling until they get the 2 H’s: heard and helped.
• Your child has the responsibility to listen to others.

Your child has the right to be themselves – all the ideas, beliefs, and strengths that make them who they are.

• Your child has the responsibility not to compromise who they are just to please others.
• Your child has the responsibility to let others be who they are.

Your child has the right to respect – to be treated like they are valuable and important – because they are. Your child has a right for their body boundaries to be respected – to decide what touches feel safe or unsafe for their own bodies, and to have their privacy respected. 

• Your child has the responsibility to tell a trusted adult in their Safety NETwork if they are being disrespected or if their body boundaries are not being respected.
• Your child has the responsibility to respect the personal boundaries of others.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below. 

Peer Pressure

Your child may experience peer pressure as a result of their natural desire to agree with or fit into a group. Peer pressure can be positive or negative. Positive peer pressure can be healthy competition in sports or academics, or modeling kindness to others. Negative peer pressure, however, can cause your child to make unsafe decisions. 

As your child gets older and acceptance into peer groups becomes more important to them, this can sometimes lead them into situations where they are faced with difficult choices. Sometimes your child may feel pressure to make a decision that is not right for them. Help your child find their courage and face something that is intimidating or that makes them feel unsafe or uncomfortable while staying true to themselves.

Entering adolescence is a very challenging time for children and parents. As children strive to “grow up” and become independent – an important developmental step – they don’t yet have the emotional maturity or the strategies to handle many of the situations they will encounter with their peers. Keeping the lines of communications open with your child is an important step in being one of your child’s Trusted Adults.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Cyber Safety P.L.A.N.ning

Unfortunately, 1 in 5 children who touch a digital device will be sexually solicited online. Technology changes daily and new sites and apps are launched all the time. Predators know this, and target children on the apps, games, and websites they use. 

It is vital for parents to consistently monitor their child’s use of digital devices – including computers, tablets, smartphones, gaming devices, etc. While it is important to respect your child’s privacy, you have a responsibility as the owner and account holder of those devices to monitor the uses and activity of them. Children should understand that it is a privilege to use these devices, and that they must follow safety rules to have access.

Good Cyber Citizenship is important to teach. Here are some questions to consider:

• What are the rules for the use of digital devices in your home?
• What are your safety settings on your Internet-capable devices?
• What should your child do if they find an inappropriate website or see an image that is upsetting?
• Do you know who is photographing your child and where those photos are being posted?
• Does your child understand that once something is posted on the Internet, texted, sent in a chat on a game, etc. it is permanent…even if it is deleted?
• Does your child know not to post any personal information about themselves –  pictures, address, email address, phone number, school, etc. – online?
• Does your child understand that sharing or posting any personal information about others is inappropriate?
• Does your child understand that communicating with someone they don’t know online is very dangerous because they never know who they are actually communicating with?
• Does your child understand that chat rooms are dangerous?
• Does your child understand that they should never send unkind messages online or using digital devices, and cyber-bullying can have serious consequences?

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Cyber Bullying

The Internet and digital devices open up a whole new world for children to learn, explore, communicate, and play – but parents and caregivers have a responsibility to teach responsible use of digital devices. Children often do not understand the permanency of communicating online or through devices, and that nothing can ever really be deleted once posted or sent. 

It is important to teach children that they should not send, share, or post anything unkind, untrue, personal, or inappropriate when they use digital devices. Once something is posted, texted, or sent, it becomes the property of someone else, and can be screenshotted, forwarded, or reshared. 

Teach children that if they would not feel comfortable saying something in front of their teacher or in front of you, they should not post it.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below. 

Privacy

Everyone is entitled to privacy – the right to keep others from seeing or hearing things that are personal to you. Privacy includes the personal thoughts in your head, as well as physical privacy – closing the door when you use the restroom, take a shower, or change, and making sure the private parts of your body stay private. Teach children that no one should look at, touch, or take photos of the private parts of their bodies covered by their bathing suits; teach children that their mouth is also a private part of their body, and that no one should ever put anything in their mouth. These rules have exceptions, like when we’re hurt and need help, or when we’re at the doctor’s office or the dentist with a Trusted Adult.

Use the activity below to help your child determine what kinds of personal information are OK to share, and when.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.