Safer, Smarter Families Family Safety Toolkit

Glossary

Letter to Parents

Grown-Up Buddies

Grown-Up Buddies are trusted adults who are old enough to drive a car and can help a child to be safe in any situation – from a fight with a friend to a bad dream, or a touch that does not feel quite right.

• Discuss with your child the importance of identifying Grown-Up Buddies in their lives who they can go to in any unsafe or confusing situation.Then, brainstorm with your child who could be their Grown-Up Buddies – perhaps:
  • Mom
  • Dad
  • Teacher
  • Coach
  • Principal
  • Grandma
  • Grandpa
  • Uncle
  • Aunt
  • School Counselor
• It is important that at least one of your child’s Grown-Up Buddies be outside the family. Each of them should be old enough to drive a car so that they are able to seek help for your child if necessary.
• Make sure your child feels they could talk to their Grown Up Buddies about situations that may leave them scared, confused, uncomfortable, or icky.
• Ask your child to name situations when it’s important to stay close to his or her Grown-Up Buddy.
• Teach your child that they should always stay close to their Grown-up Buddy whenever they are out in public. If your child gets separated from their Grown-up Buddy when out in a public place, encourage them to look for a mother with children to ask for help, or someone official like a firefighter or policeman.
• Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Trusted Triangle

Work with your child to complete their Trusted Triangle.

• A Trusted Triangle is made up of three or more of the most trusted Grown-Up Buddies in your child’s life.
• Using the worksheets below, work with your child to complete their Trusted Triangle. Using their list of Grown-Up Buddies, your child should write their names and/or draw their pictures of the three or more adults who they feel most safe to go to any time they feel scared or confused. As you do this with your child, make sure the names that your child chooses to include are also people with whom you feel that your child is safe.
• It is important that at least one of your child’s Grown-Up Buddies on their Trusted Triangle be outside the family, and each of them should be able to drive a car so that they are able to seek help for your child if necessary.
• Download the letter to the Grown-up Buddies in your child’s Trusted Triangle below and send letters to each of the adults in your child’s Trusted Triangle. Make sure that these adults know that your child looks to them for support and help. As a team, you can better protect your child.
• Place your child’s Trusted Triangle in a prominent place in your house, like the family refrigerator, and remind your child that they can always go to the adults in their Trusted Triangle to talk about anything that leaves them feeling confused or unsafe.
• Make sure to review your child’s Trusted Triangle with them and help update it periodically to make sure it’s current. If your child has removed someone from their Trusted Triangle, ask them why – and make sure an unsafe situation has not occurred.
• Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Safety Stop Sign

Help your child learn about staying safe by using their Safety Stop Sign to say “no” or “stop”. Your child should use their Safety Stop Sign when something does not feel safe. Stress to your child they always have the ability to say “no” in any situation that makes them feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

• Ask your child when they should use their Safety Stop Sign. (In situations where they feel unsafe or uncomfortable)
• Ask your child what they should do after using their Safety Stop Sign. (Say “no”, “stop”, or “I don’t like that”; Encourage your child to always tell a Grown-Up Buddy any time that they have used their Safety Stop Sign in any situation that has made them feel unsafe)
• While teaching about the Safety Stop Sign tool, teach your child about using their “I Mean Business” Voice (another skill in this series which teaches them to use a loud, serious voice)

To avoid being victimized, it is important that your child knows it is okay for them to say “no” any time a situation or touch of any kind makes them feel uncomfortable. Your child’s body belongs to them.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

I Mean Business Voice

Help your child to understand that they use their I Mean Business Voice – a loud, clear voice that tells other people that your child means business! – any time they need their voice to be heard, and in any situation where they don’t feel safe.

• Your child’s I Mean Business Voice is spoken with conviction and authority. This voice should be different from your child’s usual speaking voice so that people know to pay special attention to them in an unsafe situation.
• Ask your child to demonstrate their I Mean Business Voice.
• Practice saying, “Stop! That is not safe!” using their I Mean Business Voice.
• Practice using this skill along with the Safety Stop Sign (another tool in this
  series)
• Make sure your child knows that they need to use their I Mean Business Voice until they are heard.
• After using their I Mean Business Voice, your child should go tell a Grown Up
  Buddy about the unsafe situation to get help if needed.

It is important that your child knows it is okay for them to say “no” in situations that make them feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Remind your child they have the power over their own body, and that they can use their I Mean Business Voice any time a touch of any kind makes them feel uncomfortable.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Think, Feel, Act

Help your child listen to their Guiding Voice as they use TFA – Think, Feel, Act – in any confusing or unsafe situation.

• Introduce your child to the concept of a “Guiding Voice”, the voice inside you that tells you when you’re feeling excited, confused, nervous, or uncomfortable, and might be in an unsafe situation or need help.
• Encourage your child to pay attention to what his or her Guiding Voice says in any situation.
• Discuss the safety process of TFA – Think, Feel Act. First, your child should Think about the situation and figure out what is happening, then decide how the situation makes them Feel — and what Action they should take to stay safe.
• TFA encourages your child to take steps to tell someone when a situation makes them feel confused, scared, uncomfortable, or icky.

Asking your child what they think about possible situations helps them envision what they might do if a situation like that ever happened to them. By asking your child what they think and feel, you are letting them know that they can talk with you about anything and that you’re there to help them figure out what to do. By regularly engaging your child in such conversations, your child is more likely to come to you with real-life situations that occur, ask more questions, and gain your input.

• In various situations that come up, ask your child what they are thinking and feeling – whether at the grocery store, home, or during extracurricular activities. Ask them, based upon their feelings, how they should act to stay safe.
• Whenever your child asks, “Mom/dad/grandma/etc., what about….” ask them what they think and feel about the situation first, before you give them your answer.
• Check in with your child and ask them if their guiding Voice has told them anything lately, and if they listened to it.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Body Boundaries

Help your child understand the concept of personal space – the space around your body that belongs to you. Nobody should be going into your personal space without your permission, because your body belongs to you. Our body boundaries are rules we have for touches that feel safe or unsafe for our own bodies.

• Help your child understand that the private parts of our bodies are the parts covered by our bathing suits; your mouth is also a private part.
• Teach your child the proper anatomical names for their private parts. Unsafe adults often use nicknames to avoid detection of abuse.
• Stress to your child that no one should touch, look at, or take pictures of their private parts except when they are in pain or feel that something may be wrong, or when you are with them at the doctor. No one should put things in your child’s mouth unless they are at the dentist’s office with a Grown-Up Buddy.
• Explain the difference between a Safe Touch and an Unsafe Touch to your child. Safe Touches make us feel happy, loved, and comfortable. Unsafe Touches make us feel hurt, confused, icky, or not quite right.
• Any touch you’re told to keep secret is an Unsafe Touch. We never keep touching secrets. Encourage your child to tell you or another Grown-Up Buddy in their Trusted Triangle about any touch that makes them feel unsafe and to keep telling until they get the 2 H’s: heard and helped.

IMPORTANT TIP: Children should not be forced to kiss or hug family members if they don’t feel like it, even though these are harmless touches. Forcing a child to kiss and hug people when they don’t want to sends a subtle and dangerous message that they are not in control of their own bodies and that adults hold all the power. Make sure your child knows that they are in charge of the touches they receive – and brainstorm alternatives, like handshakes or fist bumps, for times your child may not want to receive other forms of affection.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Safe & Unsafe Secrets

Talk with your child about the difference between Safe and Unsafe Secrets. A Safe Secret is one that will eventually be told and will make everyone smile – like a surprise party or that someone is expecting a baby. An Unsafe Secret is one that makes you feel confused, threatened, unsafe, or icky, and is one that you are told not to tell.

• Help your child understand that it is not ever safe to keep an Unsafe Secret, no matter who asks or tells them to keep the secret.
• Touching secrets are never safe secrets to keep.
• Keep the lines of communication open with your child.
• Make sure your child knows that it’s okay to come to you with any information, and that you will not get upset.
• Make sure your child knows that they should never keep a secret from you.
• Play the “what if” game and help your child practice using Think, Feel, and Act (another tool in this series) to process how the secret makes them feel and whether it’s safe or not. If the secret makes your child feel confused, threatened, unsafe, or icky, they must tell a Grown-Up Buddy.

If your child discloses an Unsafe Secret to you, believe what they are saying and validate their feelings.

Remember that children who feel like they can talk to their parents or caregivers about anything are much less susceptible to being victimized by a sexual predator.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Tattling vs Reporting

An essential step in a child’s development is knowing what situations they can handle independently versus when to report a safety situation to an adult. While no one likes tattling, the determination of when and what to report is rarely discussed. This leads to confusion, especially as children struggle with moral development. Explain the difference between tattling and reporting to your child and why knowing the difference is important for their safety.

Tattling is a complaint about someone else’s behavior and does not involve safety. For example, a sibling or friend who is not sharing a favorite toy – this is a situation your child can handle on their own.

Reporting is something that involves a threat to safety. Anything that involves an unsafe situation, unsafe touches, or unsafe secrets must be reported to a Grown-Up Buddy immediately.

• Play the “what if” game with your child. Provide them with different scenarios, some which involve safety and some which do not, so they can decide if telling an adult would be tattling or reporting.
• Ask your child to practice using their I Mean Business Voice (another safety skill in this series) when reporting to a Grown-Up Buddy.
• Explain to your child that when a situation involves safety, they must continue reporting until they get the 2 H’s: heard and helped.
• Practice active listening by repeating your child’s report to them and reflecting on what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is….” and “It sounds like you are saying…..” are great ways to let your child understand that they have been heard.
• Follow up any report your child makes to you with an action plan to let them know how they can expect to be helped.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Strangers

Although 90% of all abuse is committed by someone the child victim – and their parents and caregivers – know and trust, it is important for your child to understand the characteristics of strangers. Children should understand that not all strangers seem scary. Some strangers may even offer your child a treat, such as candy or toys. A stranger is just someone your child does not know well. For example, your child’s teacher was a stranger on the first day of school, and even if he or she is friendly, the mailman is also a stranger because we do not know them well.

It is important for your child to understand that they should only interact with a stranger if they have a Grown-Up Buddy or parent with them. If your child is separated from their Grown Up Buddy and needs help, they should ask a police officer, firefighter, or a mom with children.

Play the “what if” game with your child to reinforce safety rules around strangers. Ask your child what they would do in each of the following situations:

• What if someone asks you to help them find their dog?
• What if someone offers you candy?
• What if you get separated from your parents in the mall?
• What if someone you don’t know offers to help you?
• What if someone you know a little bit – the friendly checkout person at the
  grocery store, or the mailman, try to talk to you without your Grown Up Buddies
  around?

Your child may respond that they would help the stranger find his dog, that they don’t know what they would do if they got separated from you, or they’d talk to the friendly strangers in their community. These responses may be upsetting to you as a parent, but will provide the perfect opportunity to guide your child toward making safe choices. It is important for you to know your child might make an unsafe decision before they make it — this is a teachable moment for you and your child.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Awareness of Surroundings

Help your child to stay safe by focusing on their surroundings and looking for unsafe situations using their Safety Goggles.

Explain to your child that each of us has Safety Goggles with us at all times, and that we don’t need physical goggles to stay aware of safety situations. Our Safety Goggles help us to assess the safety of our surroundings and situations that we encounter – looking both ways as we cross the road, making sure the pool is deep enough and that we have permission from a Grown Up Buddy who is watching us before we jump in, making sure we know our phone number and address in case of an emergency, etc.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

Digital Safety

Unfortunately, 1 in 5 children who touch a digital device will be sexually solicited online. Technology changes daily and new sites and apps are launched all the time. Predators know this, and target children on the apps, games, and websites they use.

It is vital for parents to consistently monitor their child’s use of digital devices – including computers, tablets, smartphones, gaming devices, etc. While it is important to respect your child’s privacy, you have a responsibility as the owner and account holder of those devices to monitor the uses and activity of them. Children should understand that it is a privilege to use these devices, and that they must follow safety rules to have access.

Good Cyber Citizenship is important to teach. Here are some questions to consider:

• What are the rules for the use of digital devices in your home?
• What are your safety settings on your Internet-capable devices?
• What should your child do if they find an inappropriate website or see an image that is upsetting?
• Do you know who is photographing your child and where those photos are being posted?
• Does your child understand that once something is posted on the Internet, texted, sent in a chat on a game, etc. it is permanent…even if it is deleted?
• Does your child know not to post any personal information about themselves – pictures, address, email address, phone number, school, etc. – online?
• Does your child understand that sharing or posting any personal information about others is inappropriate?
• Does your child understand that communicating with someone they don’t know online is very dangerous because they never know who they are actually communicating with?
• Does your child understand that chat rooms are dangerous?

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.

P.L.A.N.

It’s important for your child to always have a P.L.A.N. with their Grown Up Buddies — asking Permission to go to a specific Location, explaining the Activity they’ll be doing, and providing the Names and phone Numbers for Grown Up Buddies who will be watching them.

To practice, help your child complete a P.L.A.N. for an everyday situation such as going to the movies with a friend, a sleepover, or going to the mall.

• Reinforce the importance of each step of the P.L.A.N.
• Stress why each step helps to keep them safe.
• Stress that no step should ever be skipped.

Help your child understand that sometimes things happen and they’ll need to change their P.L.A.N. In these situations, your child must repeat the process of P.L.A.N. – beginning with getting Permission.

Learn and practice more with your child using the activities below.